a self portrait

killtheboy @ 2009-11-09T14:07:00

2009-11-09T21:56:42Z

wow, girls & their low self esteem really makes me sad...

I'm a mess

2009-08-07T16:39:00Z

Mike is going to ny today, as he does every single year... me? Oh I cried last night, this morning before he went to work & right now, too & I haven't even dropped him off @ the airport. I don't think it does this to me every year? Ahh. Hopefully ill be able to go meet him next thursday to be in time for a little drinking with his friends & the wedding. But dangit am I going to be lonely. The perfect answer tonight though: going to see the ugly truth with my bffs. Seriously! =] <3. I'm sure I'll write again soon lj. & everyone: sorry for being emo! Hahaha. Really after 5 years I'm still like this? Pathetic! Ahh. Ok bye <3

killtheboy @ 2008-12-22T10:52:00

2008-12-22T18:45:25Z

I'm only a woman
Of flesh and bone
And I wept much
We all do
I thought I might die alone
But I had never(x11) met you
So baby be good to me
I've got nothing to give you, you see
except everything, everything, everything, everything
All the good
And the bad
Cause I've been bad
I've lied, cheated, stolen, and been ungrateful for what I had
And I'm afraid habits rule my waking life
I'm scared
And I'm running in my sleep
For you
But all of the oceans and rivers and showers will wash it all away
And make me clean
For you
Cause I had never(x15) met you

So let's take a loan out
Put it down on a house
In a place we've never lived
in a place that exists
In the pages of scripts and
the songs that they sing
And all the beautiful things
That make you weep but
Don't have to make you weak

Cause I never(x27) loved somebody
The way I loved you.

I have to get ready for work, I haven't posted since like june in here. I'm sure you miss me. oh & come to my house on christmas & drink & play video games... only if i like you! =]
&& ps. I'm sooo excited for christmas! woo!

killtheboy @ 2008-06-02T16:59:00

2008-06-03T00:10:45Z

so mike and i went to new york for his best girl friend from high school's wedding. i had an amazing time. i wish i could have stayed for longer... here's some pictures

mike and i on z plane. =]

gus & shirley (these geese were so friendly they'd walk right up to us. they were so cute!!!) awh, i love them =]

mike, the bride (amanda) and the groom (skylar)
oh it was such a pretty wedding, it was outside with such beautiful weather.. the reception was gorgeous & oh i can't describe it, it was just gorgeous... anyway

mike, amanda, me

<3

mike & rob & scott

hah =[

mike & amanda

us at the wedding
on memorial day, we were able to drive to connecticut to see my family!!! omg i was so happy to see them, i hadn't seen them in 2 1/2 years or something like that. & it was amazing to see them. i only saw half of my dad's brothers/sisters & their kids. bigggg family. lots of love. =]

erika, me & amanda. my cousins.

almost everyone. (of who was there)... haha, i told you it's a big family. (of course our boyfriends are all in there too)
ok, i'm sick of being online... i'm going to watch my girlfriend barefoot contessa. hehe =]

=]

killtheboy @ 2008-05-29T08:34:00

2008-05-29T15:32:14Z

ok, this whole sleeping alone thing needs to stop. haha, i put a body pillow next to me, to psyche myself out that it's mike. pretty pathetic. only 3 more nights to go, though.

I'll post pictures & tell everyone about new york later, i just don't have time right now.

I have my last final, my math final in about 2 hours. yeahh. wish me luck!

& then tonight, right when it turns jenny's birthday, we're going to see sex & the city. ok, i am going to be such an awful girl & say that i'm soooooo excited to see the movie, it looks so good... ohmygoodness. i am so excited!!! hhahaha. ahh, such a girl.

anyway, i hope everyone has a good day & remember to wish jenny a happy birthday!! (it's tomorrow!!)
oxoxoxoxoox

killtheboy @ 2008-05-06T10:21:00

2008-05-06T17:17:42Z

hi. i'm super stressed. & i don't know how to handle it other than cry. which makes me a fucking crybaby all the time. too much at once & no one gets it. the economy fucking sucks right now. and there's nothing we can fucking do. let's just all hope mccain doesn't get put into office. the economy will get itself back up in a couple years. these couple years are going to suck. i want a hybrid. ok bye.

killtheboy @ 2008-04-30T09:41:00

2008-04-30T16:35:04Z

w00tw00t. i think i'm just hopping on a plane at 5am to see my grandparents!!!! and to go to disneyworld. eee. so excited =]

killtheboy @ 2008-04-21T17:12:00

2008-04-22T00:14:32Z

uhm, i'd like Barefoot Contessa to be my mother, best friend, or lesbian lover... ANYTHING.

killtheboy @ 2008-04-10T10:13:00

2008-04-10T17:07:40Z

hah. i had a romance with jack black in my dreams last night. yes, dreams. hahaha. & it started out with him puking. ?

killtheboy @ 2008-02-23T21:45:00

2008-02-24T05:46:53Z

oh my gosh. i just made banana nut bread & it's so amazing. wow. ok. bye =]
you're lucky you're friends with me. cause i make some damn good food. hahaaaa

killtheboy @ 2008-02-12T19:37:00

2008-02-13T03:34:00Z

stupid decision, polaroid.

killtheboy @ 2008-02-07T09:50:00

2008-02-07T17:47:02Z

ugh. i can't wait to get out of where i am. i love where i am & it's so comfortable. i think i can get enough confidence to get out of where i am, though. i don't know why i don't capitalize my i's. i hope you all voted. this is going to be exciting america! i can't wait to see how things turn out. ♥ first come, first serve for math gotta go. =]

2007

2007-12-31T23:02:56Z

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
i was a maid of honor =]

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
don't make em, don't stick to em.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
i work at a pediatricians office, i guess i'm close to our patients, so yes!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
cortland, & my uncle Paul.

5. What countries did you visit?
zilch... boo.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
to move in with hunny bee

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
january 17th& october 20th, 3 years with mike =] & september 8th, my birthday fiesta, sooo amazing!!!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
biggest achievement? hmm, getting closer to my goals in life. and staying at a job for over a year, hahahha.

9. What was your biggest failure?
biggest failure, ahh. saving money, really.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
ya, food poisoning TWICE =[

11. What was the best thing you bought?
haha, clothes, boots... and everydamn dollar i spent on school... waa oh & i got mike & i a hotel room in vegas for a weekend... that's pretty awesome!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
celebration? ah, my boyfriend. he's just great.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
wah wah wah

14. Where did most of your money go?
gas, food, cigarettes, weed, alcohol, throwing parties, & clothes. (hhaha didn't change from last year) except for hundreds on school supplies...

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
CHRISTMAS, i can't explain it, i was in suuch a holiday mood. =]

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
bill nye the science guy

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? you know me, it's different everyday!
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter =[
iii. richer or poorer? richer =] i think

18. What do you wish you would have done more of?
homework earlier, so finals time didn't kill me so much.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
DRANKIN

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
we came to my dad's to have lasagne & play wii.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
stayed in love, does that count? (same from 06 =])

23. How many one-night stands?
too many to count

24. What was your favorite TV program?
30 rock, girls next door, tim & eric awesome show great job, the soup & always project runway & adult swim

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hate? naw. i think i only hate one person... maybe 2... but they're no one significant at all.

26. What was the best book you read?
HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
uh, i like lilly allen...

28. What did you want and get?
lots, i'm spoiled.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
MEET THE ROBINSONS

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
my actual bday, i schooled & worked, then mike & i went to sushi & sake bombed. =]

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
no coke. stupid people.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
layers, leggings & boots.

34. What kept you sane?
cooking!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
king leonitus from 300 ... swoon.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
healthcare for sug

37. Who did you miss?
jujuan, she's done a 180 & made us all =[

38. Who was the best new person you met?
i liked my 3-d design group =]

today.

2007-12-31T01:12:19Z

i was just at winnetka watching juno, we were almost a quarter through the movie & a girl screamed call 911, call an ambulance! & we have no idea what happened, they finally got the lights turned on & a person working at the movie theatre came in & the guy whom i'm assuming it was walked down fine... i called 911 & got them to send an ambulance... but i don't know if he was fine or not... but let me tell you it was scary... i hope he's ok.

killtheboy @ 2007-12-11T08:49:00

2007-12-11T16:50:40Z

damn
i'm so stressed out that i randomly break out into tears. this semester has got me wanting to die. work has got me wanting to be 5 & friends? ahh. i can't even go there. my family is amazing & so glad that i've come to know support and love from a family, which i had never really experienced; since everyone is an east coaster. my boyfriend and i are amazing. he's so good to me, i'd honestly never want anything different. i have a 500$ ticket due in a week & after paying said ticket, i'll be broke like i haven't been for a very long time. that'll be interesting. i'm accustomed to having a little cushion. oh well i've been there, i can be there again i suppose. =] i feel so bad that my emotions go farther than i'd like them to sometimes, but what can i do about that right? & i've finally learned not to do so much for people, in the end, they barely remember. why waste time, energy, money, yourself... when someone isn't going to appreciate it? there's no reason. i'll try to be better, so i never hurt like i am now. i want to stay in bed & cry. but i can't... there's too much to do.

a weekend of

2007-11-19T19:18:18Z

i went to texas this weekend to get away. i found a couple of the same things & a lot that was different. i'm proud of my mom. we did cartwheels in her living room. now i feel like i have a cold & i want to eat soup & i have too many bug bites to count. goodbye =]

marg.

2007-11-05T17:39:20Z

i watched 28 stupid weeks later. which resulted in me getting... maybe 4 hours of sleep... aawesome.. oh & then, my alarm for work didn't go off. today will be splendid =]

killtheboy @ 2007-11-02T21:24:00

2007-11-03T04:19:58Z

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE?

ZOIDBERG...

killtheboy @ 2007-10-22T19:25:00

2007-10-23T02:30:28Z

fire scares the shit out of me & the fact that they're so close to my friends and me is terrifying. thank God they were able to put out the fire by my house. but i hope and pray things are okay for my friends & everyone else affected by these fires.

killtheboy @ 2007-09-17T18:12:00

2007-09-18T01:28:46Z

i feel so horrible. i let your depression become my own. not that i think it will relieve you of yours. but just because you fucking steal my happiness. not your fault. i know it's not your fault. but it is your fault for never getting fucking on with it. i mean there's only so much i can say. only so much i can agree with and comfort you for. i mean honestly, you've almost never been that person for me. ok i understand your parents didn't raise you in the right way so you're trying to wing it. ok, aren't all parents at some point? i mean, who had the perfect examples for parents? i'll bet it's like 10% IF THAT. but it's not about that. i've come to grips with the fact that as far as emotional support, i just have to give it to myself. no one gets me. i mean fully comprehends all that is me. & it's not anyone's fault but my own. i've learned to keep it all to myself. i don't want to bother any of my friends. i'm always the advice giver. always the comforter. i am mighty jackie. i don't need fucking comforting. i'll give it to myself. i am not weak. except for the once a month or everyother month, howver often this shit happens when i just spiral down. i can't help but breakdown and cry. and that's when i come to you dear livejournal. it fels damn good to be able to write my thoughts down. when you're a self-medicator, it helpps a lot. i'm able to know how i'm feeling. try to understand my confusion, my pain. i'm such a fucked up person, i lie to everyone. i've come so far from the person i used to be. but i still have so far to go. so far in every aspect of life. fuck. i guess it's because i'm SO HAPPY all the time that when i do getr depressed, it hits me like a fucking brick wall reinforced 8 times. guh. i wish someting could take this fucking feeling inside of me. i'm not good enough for anything, that's honestly what i feel like. & i know i'm not. i'm such a terrible person. i can't fucking do well in school, or in my hopefully future career because i suck. all i am is ideas. i can't materialize anything. i just fuckign suck, in every fucking way.

don't read this it's full of grammatical & spelling errors. oh & fuck you.

do yourself a favor and go eat a hot dog

2007-08-30T03:12:56Z

12 REAL RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:

1. my shoulders are double jointed
2. volleyball is my favorite sport to play.
3. i work at a pediatrician's office, but i really don't think i want kids
4. i watch the disney channel more than any other channel
5. i'm going to dress as a matador to my birthday party
6. i am obsessed with collar bones.
7. my feet smell, like all the time
8. water is my favorite drink.
9. lemons are my life.
10. i love playing wii.
11. i am part native american.
12. i sleep with my legs in a 4.

11 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART

1. interesting.
2. smell nice.
3. intelligence.
4. sense of mother fucking humor.
5. good in the sack ;].
6. make everything fun.
7. go places with me.
8. confidence.
9. good hygiene
10. own set of friends
11. take charge. prrrrr.

10 THiNGS I LOVE TO EAT:

1. lemons
2. sushi
3. tito's tacos. mmm
4. rainbow sherbet
5. broccoli
6. spicy pasta
7. chicken sammiches
8. cereal!
9. my mom's chinese chicken salad
10. my dad's summer pasta

9 UNFORGETTABLE MEMORIES:

1. sneaking out of my house with katie/ my first kiss
2. jenny pushing me down the street in a shopping cart/ peeing in my pants. hahahah.
3. my grandma's 75th birthday in florida! =]
4. 1st kiss with hunny bee.
5. jenny's wedding weekend.
6. paris last summer with tamara
7. playing super mario bros with my mom & dad on super nintendo!
8. haha doing shrooms with tamara & dancing on the car.
9. the summer when we inseparable from byron/skarin/arthur, etcc <3

8 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME

1. slow drivers. kill me
2. children, most of the time
3. people who say something judgmental, turn around and say i hate judgmental people. UHMOK.
4. the Dr. i work for
5. ugly eaters
6. that my car is new and has had problems since i got it.
7. being alone
8. stupid pointless fighting

7 THINGS I CARRY/WEAR EVERYDAY

1. bra
2. chapstick
3. water bottle
4. zell phone
5. wallet
6. keys
7. my haterade

6 STATES I'VE VISITED

1. New York
2. Connecticut
3. Oregon
4. Texas
5. Nevada
6. Arizona

5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

1. travel my ass off.
2. make a stamp collection
3. rob a liquor store
4. pee on someone
5. own a goat

4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF

1. my smelly feet
2. ghosts
3. being possessed? i'm weird iknow
4. darknesssss

3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY

1. drink wawii
2. sleep
3. read, not a book but i read words. hah, yah i know i'm an intellectual motherfuck. =]

2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW

1. slack off in anyway
2. be a bad girl prrrrrrr.

1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW

1. YOU.

When I'm nervous/scared I:
bite my nails or pace. hehe i'm a wrecck

The last song I listened to:
i'm singing a song by eve 6 in my head. nice.

If I were to get married right now my best man/woman would be:
your grandmother.

By this time next year:
i should be either moving to san francisco or pasadena or somewhere else. ad school. baller.

I have a hard time understanding:
how you could put so much time & effort into someone & they can genuinely not care.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell:
parents or mike.

Take my advice:
stay true to YOURSELF. i know it's hard babies, but it's better than conforming =] eh eh eh

Most recent thing I've bought myself:
heroin

Most recent thing someone else bought me:
a rim job

In the morning I:
peeeeee and kiss mike if he's around.

Yesterday I was:
working, beating your grandmother at volleyball.

If I was an animal I'd be:
i would beee. a frog, i don't want to reach for the stars.

A better name for me would be:
douchebag

Tomorrow I am:
working & then playing hackysack with my good friend norman.

Tonight I am:
going to make din din for hun hun bun bun bye bye

killtheboy @ 2007-06-01T11:29:00

2007-06-01T18:26:56Z

ok, starting line? i mean really... ughhhhhhhhhh this is so stupid. and i shouldn't be like this... but come on, that fucking throws you through a loop. your best friend & a good friend. both whom you've known for years. ughh. tamara's last night was pretty fucking good. dang. this summer will be FILLED with roadtrips. f i l l e d. ok, i'm out of here. bye livejournal.

killtheboy @ 2007-05-11T17:04:00

2007-05-12T00:15:57Z

she thinks IF life were better... but you always think if life could be better. it's never good enough. the fact that these fucking stupid ass mother's day fucking shitty commercials are on all the time... ruins her. wrecks her. so she's moving robotically, systematically. just to get on, because she knows she has to. losing her... but not LOSING her.. she's there by a string... a string which is being whittled away every day. wish it wasn't like this... btu just so happens it is. everything inside of me feels like it might burst at any second. i just hope i'm alone when it does. pathetic, i sit & listen & give advice to everyone. & me? i'd like to keep it all to myself, thanks. because if you were to know what it is, what everything is... you wouldn't know what to say... would you? you'd be overwhelmed. most people can't handle shit. they get tired of hearing it. they stop listening. until you talk about something of importance to them. we're all fucking selfish fucked up assholes & i hate it. i don't knwo what i just wrote. it might not make any sense. sorry. had to get it out. bye.

can't get enough

2007-04-25T03:23:03Z

silly,
Did you know, my sweet
That I once took the liberty of watching you in your sleep?
I rolled over and over
Trying to touch your knees underneath the sheets

you scurvy son of a bitch

disney princess inspired wedding dresses?

2007-04-16T19:13:06Z

http://www.disneybridal.com/index.html

OMG, thank you kristen, now i want to get married. haha